By Craig Funston
This is the first column of 2014, so I want to personally welcome you to the New Year. I don’t know if I have the power to do that, but I do have a keyboard and a platform, so here it flies. In light of last week’s glorious column, I hope you are still working on some personal goals (known only at this time of year as “resolutions”) that you have set for yourselves.
Good for you, and may you have success in losing those pounds, wrinkles, clutter, and anger.
Because of the generosity of my spirit, I thought I would make even more New Year’s resolutions, but this time, I will do it for others. You see, I am assuming that some of the following name-brand people have made their own, but, hey, they may be too busy—you know, too consumed with their own egotistical pursuits—that they haven’t the time to consider any genuine personal improvements.
A number of celebrities come to mind, so space may be a problem. The following characters have stood out in recent months, and all but one in a bad way. We’ll see just where my fingers take me.
So, in no particular order, here goes the good will gesture by yours truly:
1. For Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, I wish the following: A very good weight-loss programme, a sense of integrity, and a brand-new job. He has shamed himself, the honour of his office, the city of Toronto, and the rest of Canada. The last one gives me an opening through which to speak.
I remember the day when most professionals and politicians carried themselves with a certain degree of class. They were people we could look up to—not look out for. Rob Ford has failed this litmus test at every level, repeatedly. Furthermore, whether any of the criminal whispers are true, I cannot say. That, of course, is yet another reason why he must go.
2. For any specific females (can’t say “women” or “ladies”) that go by the name of Beyoncè, Brittany, Kim, or Miley, I wish the following: I wish they would get dressed properly when they go out in public. And in Miley’s case, if she could keep her tongue in her mouth, that would be great.
Now, before you fall off the couch, thinking that I am actively pursuing their bawdy careers, breathe in slowly. Stay on the couch while I reassure you that I am not. It’s just that when I look at the news on my computer, their images pop up all the time, no matter what my news source is. It’s both disturbing and disgusting.
I often feel sullied and scandalized after viewing the news, because these women are front and behind (pun mercilessly intended) with their latest photo ops –or would that be “oops”? I don’t ask for it, I don’t need it, and I don’t want it, but it’s flaunted before my eyes anyway. Their lewd antics, known by so many fans and offended observers, are unhealthy, unwise, and unreal.
3. For Dennis Rodman, I wish the following: Could someone tell him to please sit down, shut up, and stay out of North Korea? They don’t need any more morons over there. North Korea remains one of the most severely repressive states in all the global communities, and it is an enemy of democratic freedom, true religion, free speech, and economic reform. To kowtow with Prince Pudgyface is a shame and a disgrace to all rational people everywhere.
If Dennis wants to do any good whatsoever, tell him to talk to President Him So Fat about the horrific prison conditions for the people that simply want democratic freedom, true religion, free speech, and economic reform. Under the present arrangement, Rodman is a moral and babbling buffoon.
Rodman himself, a former marginal professional basketball player, has a track record of very strange behaviour, both on the court and off.. Everyone is entitled to strange behaviour, I suppose, but there is no place for making it a national norm. If he chooses a certain lifestyle, or if he wants to tattoo himself to the point he looks like a mural, that’s his privilege. But for him to represent the USA in any way is unconscionable.
4. And for Phil Robertson, I wish the following: Keep speaking up. Phil, of the Duck Dynasty fame, expressed his opinion on same-sex relationships recently. You know the story, so I won’t bore you with further details. It’s irrelevant whether I agree with him or even how he did it.
Because of the senseless and heartless agenda of the same-sex proponents, this becomes news. It’s just another critical flashpoint in the war of morality—fodder for another column, unless Stalin is back in power before then. My point is that Robertson has the same right to express his opinion as the other guys do. May there be more like him.
Like, say, what happens here once in a while in your local column in southern Alberta.