To hair is human

By Craig Funston
I have made it very clear in previous columns that I would make a lousy politician. I have listed my reasons before, but I don’t expect you to remember any of them. /I /can’t even remember them. Something about character (yes) and courage (no).
Just to refresh your memory: The main reason is that I simply don’t have the stomach for it. Well, okay, I’ve got a big enough stomach, but just not for politics.

I would like to add another reason here, and it just came to me recently, as I was thinking of other leaders. Let’s see, there’s Canada’s present prime minister, as well as the Republican nominee in the States, Donald Trump. While we’re at it, maybe even throw in the
pudgy-face dictator from North Korea, Kim Jong-un. “Ding Dong-one” aside, you couldn’t find any two more dissimilar leaders in similar democracies than “Justin True /Dooh/” and “Donald Chump.”
We’re dealing with pretty well two opposite ends of the political spectrum in almost every way, except for one area. Hair. Yes, hair. Hair, as in H-A-I-R. These two guys must be as popular
as they are because of their lovely locks, their massive manes, their tantalizing tresses. It can’t be because of their policies, at least from my perspective. It’s all about their manes: Hair today, and the uber office of their respective countries tomorrow. That means that I wouldn’t have a chance (in gel) to find a seat in either Edmonton and Ottawa.
Read it here: My prediction is that Donald Chump will become the president of the USA in November 2016, essentially because of his hair. After all, I’m sure that’s how our guy got in.
And because I am follically challenged (ie., bald, Maurice, almost totally bald), I could never run for office. No matter what principles, character, or integrity one has, one gets nowhere in politics if there’s no hair. Common sense and impeccable track record gets trumped by a
ponytail every time.
Telly Savalas, Mike Myers (aka Dr. Evil), and Yul Brynner would never had made it in politics because they’re each bald as a golfball. There are likely a few other reasons why they would make poor elected oficials, but I won’t get into that at this point.
Politicians and their hair get more attention than they deserve. In Trudeau’s case, he is very popular because of his locks—not his principles or policies. Trump is constant fodder for the media because of his pompous attitude and bombastic statements—/and/ his hair.
Whatever happened to leadership that was known by its honour, competence, and ethics? In a true democracy, people vote on the basis of /who/ they want. It can be said too that they vote for /what /they want. Always? No. Often? Yes. And it’s not a pretty sight, pun mercilessly intended.
So we get a Trudeau, and they get a Trump (and my thread falls apart with that North Korean guy, because no one seriously votes for him). To repeat, it’s more of a reflection of the voters, rather than the /votee/ (not a word, cousin Reggie, so don’t use it at your next Lyoness meeting).
But back to my hair, such as it is: Apart from my complete lack of interest in running for public office, have I been thwarted from being the next MLA/MP because I’m bald? Would a toupee or any sort of hairpiece get me a seat in parliament? Could I grow what I do have
longer, then comb it up over the rest of my crown? Would that then make me an effective politician?
No hair is not fair. /Think/ of the time I could save for the country if I didn’t spend hours every week primping myself. /Think/ of the money I could save for my country by not spending money on hairstylists and accessories. /Think/ of the water I would conserve by not washing my hair /everyday/.
Oh well, hair today, gone tomorrow.

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